So...What's Next?!?

What a Day - but I guess it could have been worse

Not that it was a bad day - just a whirl wind of a day. Last night I received an email confirming an early morning meeting today. Ooops, that meeting was not on my calendar. So I was up and out the door early. It was not a client meeting, it was a networking meeting, so I did not have to be  prepared for any kind of presentation.

Next on my calendar was an interview with a new intern. She did not show up....

While I was waiting I decided to call the dentist to schedule an appointment to have my younger son's 3 teeth pulled - more on that in a minute. They were able to schedule him in as early as 2:00 today. So I rush home to prepare him. I start by changing into more comfortable clothes and within minutes I get an email from a friend that says he is running late for lunch. Um...I check through some emails and realize that was yet another meeting that did not make it to my calendar. My response back..."Me too - see you soon." I change back into work clothes and rush to the restaurant.

This is VERY unusual for me. I never rarely forget to put an appointment on my calendar.

Lunch was good - but short because I had to rush back home to get my son to the dentist. After calming him down so that he can get the Nitrous oxide (I love that stuff!) I go to the waiting room to relax and read a book.

But then the email comes in.

The parking garage at the Centergy building has collapsed. I have lots of friends who either work or attend many meetings at that building that would park at the garage. So for 2 hours I am glued to twitter trying to keep up with what is going on. Based on all accounts at this time, no one was hurt. HOW AMAZING IS THAT!

So as crazing as my day seemed to be going, it could have been worse.

Anyway, in the middle of my son getting 3 teeth pulled and me wondering and worrying about people at the Centergy building I get a call from a representative of the US Poultry & Egg Association. They are having a seminar in 3 weeks and would like me to speak. The location -  Destin, FL. Hmmmm yeah I think I could use a day or two at the beach.

Alright, so why was my son getting 3 teeth pulled. Well this comes with a warning. When you find someone whom you would like to conceive children with, consider the way your mixed DNA can go wrong...and I do not mean the serious diseases, I am not being that serious here.

My son has my husband's teeth, which I never thought of as large - they look perfectly normal in his mouth. But my son happens to have my little tiny mouth, which means his teeth don't fit. At the young age of 8 he is having teeth pulled, a device put in his mouth to stretch his palette (not as painful as it sounds) and will have to wear braces for a year. Yes he will spend 3rd grade in braces. No that will not be the end of it. He will wear retainers until all his adult teeth come in and then there is an 80% chance he will need to wear braces again.

um...yeah - we do not of Ortho insurance.

In October this year I will finish paying for my teenage son's braces and will start paying for my younger son's braces.

So ---- anyone need some social media consulting services? I am motivated to get more work ASAP.

Words

There is so much activity, so many observations, and so many emotions happening right now that I am struggling with figuring our what to blog. I am also censoring myself a little too. Some "venom" keeps bubbling up and I do not want go there again...but there is stuff/ideas/thoughts and I can perhaps express what is going on with just a list of words and brief associations.

fascinated - by decisions that have been made
annoyed - by people's assumptions
scared - of not being good enough
inspired - by the company I keep
proud - of the direction life is taking me
hopeful - that bigger dreams are in reach
release - the chains that have weighed me down
cling - to my source of motivation
laughter - at idiotic decisions
judgment - that I am feeling when it is none of my business
arrogance - of people who have no clue and will never have a clue because they are so damn arrogant!
leadership - a choice that I have made to finally embrace
thankful - to all those who have pushed me throughout my life
ready - for new beginnings
exhausted - from exposure to my younger son
amazed - at my older son's attitude,  spirit, and self-confidence
Really?!?- on the verge of living my dreams
momentum - built by taking it all one day at a time
accepting - of the praise and honors that have been offered to me
confident - that I can rise to the challenges of the opportunities that are in front of me
learning - everyday from the wonderfully successful and graceful people in my life
overwhelmed! - but not letting it stop me

Who Am I? Who Can I Be? Who Do I Want to Be?

These are some thoughts that have been tossed around my head....for my whole life really.

Who am I? That is a book in itself. I have done a bit of my own self analyzing, figuring out what makes me tick, what comes natural, what is the result of baggage and so forth. I would say that lately I am more self aware than many people get to be. It has been quite the journey into my world but overall I am very pleased with what I have learned.

I have learned that I lean on my intelligence quite a bit. So much so that I have neglected other things in my life and allowed myself to walk way to far on or off the edge with the over abundance of self confidence that I can think my way out of messes. I have learned that I tend to close myself off from opportunities and experiences and then feel jealous when I see others taking advantage of what I could have had. I have learned that I love being a mom more than anything in life. I have learned all the wonderful traits I have developed from both my mom and my dad, as well as the traits that I do not have to keep anymore. I have learned how much I value my time with myself and that even though many people do not understand that side of me, I need to make sure I keep my time with myself sacred.

Who can I be?

Oh this is the fun category. This is the category where I often feel pushed and judged. This is the category that brews gossip and frustration.

I am so honored that so many people who have come, and yes then have gone and not always pleasantly, have felt that I can be so much more than who I am. Thank you. My understanding is that they see talent, creativity, enthusiasm, spirit, drive, motivation, work-ethic, and a whole host of things that should just drive me to the top of my game. But then what happens is I often have to come to terms that I am not on their schedule or working their plan. It has caused me lots of self doubt and the result has often been venomous. The chatter about me then begins as well as some judgment which at one time I did not take personally, then I did, and now I don't anymore. I am on my own path and have my hands in many different things and have finally figured out what I want with my life and not really worried about whether or not what I am doing matches other people's plans or not.

That leads to who I want to be. The list is really long but the standard criteria of how I judge whether or not I am going to pursue an opportunity has been established.

1. It has to be fun.
2. I have to learn something new from it.
3. I have to be challenged to grow from the experience.
4. It can not take away from my family.
5. It has to be on my time table.

I am not looking to be a rock star entrepreneur although I do see that as being part of my path. It is my path but it is not my goal. I am not looking to make millions but I am inching my way toward millions. It is in my path but not my goal. At the end of the day I do not care if I am either of those things if it was not fun and I did not grow personally and with all the other criteria that I put in place. I am not turning down extreme success as some people have often accused me of, I am just doing things on my terms. I have gifts that I have been blessed with and I get to use them to design my own path. That is a sense of freedom I have earned and that I cherish greatly.

This note/blog is a reminder for me as well as a note for many people who have been disappointed that I did not live up to their expectations. I just want you to know that everyday when I look at the things I want out of life and the blessings I currently have in my life I can assure you I am a huge success already and on the right path.

For the many of you who have walked with me when it was right for both of us and who has parted ways when are paths diverged, and are ready to be by my side again when the time is right, you are truly the best influence and most wonderful friends I could ever hope for. You have often been my guiding angels, best teachers and are so very special and I thank you.

New Glasses

I lost my glasses a few weeks ago. It has not been pleasant going without them. I really only need glasses for reading and working on the computer.  I waited 2 weeks before I gave up on finding them and went to the eye doctor. Apparently losing my glasses was a blessing in disguise. I had not been to the eye doctor in 4 years...oooops. And I needed a stronger prescription. They did have the exact same style as what I had been wearing, but I opted to try a new style - tell me what you think.

I am feeling frustrated

Perhaps I need some advice...

Let's see...  I know someone who does things that can be considered a "cry for help" or maybe it is not so much of a "cry" maybe it is more of an attempt at communicating. But it is not based in any type of honesty. What I mean by that is the way they are trying to communicate is not direct and does not allow for any two-way communication. I am not even sure it is an attempt to communicate. It may have nothing to do with me at all...it may just be about holding on or a personal attempt for this person to work something out and they do not need me, specifically, at all.  I do not know. I really hate not knowing.

You know what the definition of frustrating is? "a blocked goal." So imagine if someone seems to want something from you, you do not know what, they will not tell you what they want directly, perhaps because they do not know what it is, but they keep reaching out, and they reach out in a way that you can not respond, ask questions, you just have to wait.

At the same time I get mad at myself - often actually - because I have responded and behaved very poorly toward this person on many occasions, so I tend to blame myself for this issue. I want to clear things up, but I do not know how and I tend to not trust myself around this person sometimes now - because I have not been myself on many occasions. So - I get frustrated with them and I get mad at myself and I want it all to go away, but not all of it. I just want to start over - clean slate. But how? when?

So, advice #1 - do not worry about it - when they are ready to speak with me directly be there and listen, but other than that it is their problem not mine.

Good advice. The challenge is...what is the challenge. The challenge is I would like a normal relationship with this person. I think we could have a great friendship, if only we could "get it together..." - And well...I am veruca salt and when I want something "I want it now!"

advice #2 - confront the person directly.

Yeah - if you know me, you know I have already tried that one...it did not go very well.

advice #3 - answer this person indirectly - play the same game...

yeah - I did that one too. But it is not my style and it made me start questioning my sanity.

advice #4 - run away - fast -

I did. I have. a few times. but I honestly believe that is not the right solution. in fact that is not a solution at all...that is running, and I do not want to do that again.

So....any other advice out there?

Update -

Two more thoughts on this -

1. the English language needs a gender neutral pronoun.

2. Thank you to my friend Joe who played the perfect song for me last night while I was writing this.

Wish I knew what you were looking for.
Might have known what you would find.
Wish I knew what you were looking for.
Might have known what you would find.

What will you do if?

That is my oldest son's favorite question for me; what will you do if... McCain wins? What will you do if it rains tomorrow? What will you do if that deal does not come in?

Actually my younger son is in on it too, but his question is within a different context. I tell him he needs to get good behavior marks in class and he asks "what will you do if I don't?" (AHHHHH!)

Anyway, it dawned on me recently how much I have changed over the years. I used to ask that question a lot myself. What is the worse thing that could happen and if that happened how would I deal with it? I also asked "What would they do if I did not follow the rule?"

Several years ago, a good friend a co-worker whom I respected more than any other co-worker I have ever worked with told me I should not ask that question. But it was my comfort zone. If I knew the answer of how I would handle the worse case scenario, I was comfortable. My friend suggested that simply by pondering the worse case scenario I was opening a pathway to allow such a thing to happen. At the time I did not believe this.

I don't think I consciously changed, I just find that I don't worry about the worse case scenario as much anymore. Tonight I was taking MARTA downtown to GSU which meant getting off at Five Points. I was a guest speaker for a business class there. As I boarded MARTA is dawned on me that I left my phone at home. I immediately reviewed my notes and made the assumption that if I needed to call my point of contact I would be able to find a phone somewhere. As we got closer to the Five Points stop I noticed a woman wearing a GSU sweater and I asked he if she was going to GSU - she was and she walked with me there. In the lobby of the business school there was a courtesy phone that I was able to use, but as soon as I picked up the handle I spotted my contact getting off of the elevator. No phone, no worries.

That is my expectations lately, that everything will work out just fine. A client mentioned that I am very good at thinking on my feet - I haven't always been. I remember my first few speaking engagements where I wrote down every word of the presentation, put them on note cards, memorized them, but also kept the note cards by my side the whole time. Now - throw me in front of a few hundred or more people and say speak - I will talk until someone tells me to stop.

It makes me wonder if we sometimes over prepare?

At the STIR event last week the theme was an Obama rally. The mic went around to the audience to talk about what the significance of this election meant to them. One person mentioned the chance of Obama being shot, because he said, look what happened to JFK, Bobby Kennedy, MLK and so on. Well - that was more than a generation ago, do we have to expect such  a  thing in a world that has obviously changed so much. The host of the show responded well saying he respected those concerns but refuses to put such ideas out there in the Universe.

What will you do if?

What would you do if you only allowed yourself to think "happy thoughts?"

Just a thought...

I guess I am not the only one

Drinking and emailing is a bad combination. Emotional not well thought out emails are not good either. How about those emails when you are just having a bad day and need to kick someone, yeah...bad...or, I know the "confession email"...ouch

So yeah, I have been down those roads. That is why the google ad that read "stop sending email that you will later regret" caught my eye. I also wonder why my "Psychographic behavior" chose that ad for me....hmmmm

Anyway, Google labs has a new feature where you have to stop and think before sending.

By default, Mail Goggles is only active late night on the weekend as that is the time you're most likely to need it. Once enabled, you can adjust when it's active in the General settings.

Ah...this is one of those moments where I realize that life is ok...I'm ok...you're ok....and well...the past is the past and all we can do is try to be better in the future.

One more thing to ponder though...

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
  - Richard Feynman

I wonder if Google can stop spending that we will later regret.

Time to ReBuild

Shiva is the third deity of the Hindu triad of great gods, the others being Brahma and Vishnu. Shiva is often referred to as the Destroyer, but it might be better to think of him as the God of Transformation, since he is often associated with creation that comes out of destruction. Source: http://www.siamese-dream.com/page/siam1/CTGY/article-hindu-gods-shiva

I forget what conversation I was in this week where the god Shiva came up, but I really like this idea of destruction in order to have transformation. It makes sense on so many levels in so many different situations.

The reason destruction is often needed for transformation is because people tend to cling to old ideas and habits and those ideas and habits have to be destroyed before there is room enough to rebuild.

So, where does this apply for me on this journey?

I realized today that I have destroyed an image of myself that I have held for so long. One that was built based on my interpretations of what others told me throughout my life. It is time to rebuild the image that I want to have of myself as I continue to destroy thoughts and ideas that do not serve me.

I have destroyed relationships and ended activities that were not working for me, but there are a few that I have the opportunity to rebuild and I am thinking about what needs to be different this time.  I will not allow  new bridges to be built with faulty materials.

There are habits related to the home and the family that I am pushing forward which means I need to identify and destroy the old habits that have not served us.

Each day as I continue to build on to the things I am working toward, I realize I need to destroy the things that do not serve me and  focus on rebuilding those foundations. When we look at the messes that we are in, as individuals, organizations, or as a country, we can see that the  mess began when we kept trying to build on top of a faulty foundation. The ideas, plans, intentions that were added were not necessarily bad, or wrong, they just were built on top of things that were not working in the first place. We need to learn to be destroyers and to learn how to rebuild so that we can build on stronger foundations.

That's just my thought for the day.

Totally Random Thoughts

I have a long day planned for tomorrow. Actually it is not really planned all the way yet. My alarm is scheduled to wake me up at 4 am so that I can finish planning. It seems my brain begins to shut down around 4pm and is completely useless, when it comes to work, by 6pm, so I need to wake up early to finish planning the day with a fresh mind.

Of course the problem is I am not sleepy and my brain's chatter is keeping me awake. So I will share it with the world here by simply dumping some random thoughts...this may not make any sense...but here we go...

I am really going to like having a production studio again. I already found my groove in talking about the many applications of video and what we can do.

It's so nice to have people in the city who are always supportive of my next adventure.

I wonder what kind of Christmas party I can pull off this year?

I need to outline the student social networking strategy...what will the challenges be?

I really like _______  and am so looking forward to getting him involved in speaking engagements throughout the city.

I can not wait to get new floors in this house.

UGH - I really hope that I do not have to hear Sarah Palin's name again after the election.

However I am intrigued with the CNN commentary that was accusing the McCain campaign of sexism because they are being so over-protective of her.

Do I have the time to put into a video show about disruptive innovations throughout history? It would be fun, but more work.

I am really happy lately. This is cool and I would say, well deserved.

I love my mentors; Andrew Wilson who pushes me and challenges me and stands up and fights for me and walks me into many doors. Les who is wonderful to watch in meetings. I am always taking notes mentally on how to emulate some of his style. David Cohen and his thoughtful patience. I know there are more, but this is rambling, not thought out.

I love my youngest son. He is a handful at times but he is really becoming his own person, he is so smart and funny and so incredibly loving.

My oldest still amazes me all the time. I told him to write his book review with the same spirit and enthusiasm as what I have seen in his game reviews. He did and in the first line I was hooked. That kid has a natural talent that I paid good money to FSU to develop in myself. He also has such a wise old soul. Always a joy to hang out with.

Why hasn't my mom called me this week? Weird. I think we should go down there this year.

It is so nice to have my old friends back in my life. And I am so happy Matt found his old friends too, he really was missing those kinds of relationships in his life.

Am I ready to go to sleep yet....anything else on the brain.

SoCon09... yeah I know...I hope to have a keynote secured soon and then we can move forward with all the rest. It will be so cool if we can get the persona that I am trying to get.

Alright, good night.

Finding comfort with an old friend

Yesterday I drove to Greenville, SC to see an old friend that I have not seen since 1989. It was great to catch up with her and it was comforting to be with someone who "knew me when..." She said the words I had been waiting for someone to say. She said, "so how did you end up with your career choice. Of all the people we went to high school with you were the last one I would expect..."

I don't know why I have been waiting for those words. Maybe so I could know that the me from high school has grown up a little.

It was great strolling down memory lane. We each had memories that the other forgot. Such as the first time I ever drove a car, without ever having any lessons, was when her parents were out of town and I took their car to the store to buy ice cream. That was quite a scary experience. Or her 16th birthday party that I threw at my dad's house where she learned from my dad the best ways to nurse a hang over.

It was great to be able to hang out with a friend who knew my dad when he was a dad.

What I enjoyed most is remembering the little group of friends that we shared. People who were always there for us and we were there for them. We shared our grief about the passing of a friend, we look at other events that occurred through the new perspective of being an adult, and we talked about our kids - a lot.

I returned home and back to present reality which included my bathroom finished. My camera is broken or I would share a picture. It is beautiful and quite sexy actually. It is a room that only a designer could have created. In my email was a wonderful compliment from my partner company and the comfort that my current life is being filled with new friends and very different but very meaningful experiences.

Overall it felt like yesterday I saw the young me meet up with the current me and that seemed to make everything seem more centered, more balanced, and much more clear.