So...What's Next?!?

Other Thoughts

To say I have a lot on my mind today would be a huge under statement. Many people hang out with a friend to talk when they have so much on their mind...I do that sometimes. But writing is how I really get thoughts out of me and out in the world to evaluate. Since blogging, I find that many of my thoughts have a common thread with what other people are going through and so I think it is very valuable to share them in the world, so that we do not feel so alone anymore....

My husband has a friend who had brain cancer last year. It is back and it is bad. He was in ICU earlier this week. Last night my husband told me they sent him home. His one request is he wants to play (guitar) - I laughed...that would be exactly what my husband would request if he were in that situation. I wonder though...the soul and spirit that goes into what you know will be your last songs....I think about Freddy Mercury's last show and the song...The show must go on.

This week I received a letter from my older son's school. They screen for Scoliosis in the 8th grade. The letter recommended further screening. I was immediately on the phone with the pediatrician. How could MY son not be perfect?????  Yesterday we took the x-rays and will know more on Monday. Everything that I have read (and if you know me you know I have read everything already - in fact I was on my Google Phone in the X-Ray room reading information) anyway, everything I have read says it is really most likely no big deal. But still...this is my kid...and then last night it hit me, how in the world do parents deal with much worse scenarios....I am still very fortunate that I have 2 very healthy boys.

I am starting to go down new paths in my career. Which I do not know what that means and where it will take me. I am ready but at the same time if you think about the visual of traveling down a path, with each step you leave something behind. With each path chosen you decide to not go down another path and will never know where it could have led. And then there are paths that looked intriguing, but had a "do not enter" sign on it...and they were serious about it. So, I am traveling a path that seems to be a wonderful fit, but I am still wondering thoughts of "what might have been..."

Anyway... there is so much more on my mind, but back to work. you might see many more blogs over the next few days.

Thinking About Loss

Facebook is wonderful in connecting  with old friends you have not seen in decades. Friends you used to get stupid with, friends who used to carry you, both emotionally and when you have had too much to drink, friends whom you thought would always be part of your life - until life put you on two different paths.

It seems a couple of decades later is too much time to reconnect the things you used to have. Life gets in the way - we are responsible now and can't do the stupid things we once did.

Don't get me wrong. I am loving re-connecting with old friends. I have spent hours and days catching up with a few and love having them in my life again...but I am also realizing we will never get back what we used to have together.

Many of my good  friends knew my father. As I reconnect with them, and reflect on times passed my memory brings me back to my old house; to the first time Matt Kennedy picked me up in his truck with Big Ed and Mhari---and my dad was not so sure about that and made a nice subtle threat to Matt. My dad was 5'3 - Matt reached at least 6ft...Matt felt threatened.  Several months later my dad agreed to let me host Mhari's 16th birthday party...and well...as the chaperon, I think my dad won "coolest  dad" that night.

So, as I reconnect with friends of the past, I reflect on what I have lost over the years, not just the passing of my father, but the loss of relationships with friends who have gone in different directions as well...friends from long ago, and even some people in my more recent history.

When my father got to the point in his deteriorating condition that I knew he could no longer be there for me I went through all the phases of losing a parent. When he actually passed 10 years later it was not so hard for me because I had long accepted that I lost my father. But what helped me get through the phases of losing a parent was realizing I could never actually lose him.

Many things I do as a parent I learned from my dad such as giving my children room to make mistakes and making sure they are responsible for those mistake, but also letting them know I am here for them with unconditional love. My eyes and my smile (my best features) come from my dad. My wit comes from my dad. My work ethic and ability to learn quickly comes from my dad. So really, dad is always with me because he became so much a part of me.

The same is true of many people who have passed through my life. Many people who have influenced me, taught me, inspired me, and cared for me. Their best qualities have been woven into my memory and my way of being.

As much as I may miss old friends and mentors, I know that those whom I have loved can never really be gone from my life, in fact, no matter how different our paths may stray now and in the future, you will always be part of my life as I carry the best of what you gave me in heart and continue to allow you to influence my life.

Why do I like you?

Last night I connected with an old high school friend. You can say high school boyfriend, however we dated for such a short time he really only counts as a friend, a very loyal and patient friend. I was trying to convince him to join Facebook or our new Ning network for our high school where I have already connected with a handful of people I have not even thought about in years. He responded with a deep intellectual yet cynical response that basically said he was too old for this technology. My response to my husband this morning was that I now understand why we did not date for very long...jeeze. I hear my high school sweetheart is completely computer illiterate. I sent him an email to tell him about the Ning site, but I am not sure he uses his email. How can this be?

The thing is by reading my friend's response it dawned on me how his response and personality was a lot like a friend of mine today. In fact I have recently connected with another old high school friend who reminds me of someone else in my life  today, all the way to having the Facebook personality test that claims he attracts "Unstable People" - the fact that both are friends of mine makes me wonder about my stability.

Connecting with old friends 20 years later and seeing how much my new circle of friends have in common with my old friends makes me wonder what I like about certain people. What is the chemistry or make  up of the people that become my extended family.

• Funny
• Serious but in a fun and cynical sort of way
• Intelligent
• People who Take Action
• Loyal and sincere
• Philosophical
• Open, not so judgmental

Most importantly we have been able to challenge each other in various ways. My friends today have no issue challenging me on my actions and thoughts and they can take it when I challenge them. The same was true with my old circle of friends. Also, we all took risks together. Wow...yeah...that was fun then, and today I still have a circle of friends willing to jumping into the fire with me just to see what might happen.

I do not know what the chemical make up or attraction is  to certain people that make them life long friends where we can pick right back up 20 years later, but I am very happy to see that circle of friends growing and would love to see the day when I can introduce my old friends to my new friends.

True Friends

This past weekend hanging out at the beach with my best friend from high school and my family was really special for me. At one point I was lying on the beach, Char on one side, my husband on the other and I realized how very important these two people have been to me for many many years. I met Char in 9th grade. She has watched me go through all kinds of phases, never once has she ever judged me. NEVER ONCE, and I am telling you, she has seen me get kinda...off balanced. She has laughed and been entertained, but never has she ever judged. I have not always been a best friend to her. I did judge her decisions and I have not always been there for her, yet she just allows those things to be part of who I am and loves me anyway. She was at my college graduation which my own brothers did not attend, but she made the drive because, well simply because she had to see it with her own eyes.

My husband has also stood by my side through so many phases and ups and downs, and the man truly loves me still to this day as though we were just starting to date. I assume it is because I am constantly changing on him he does not have a chance to get bored. Like Char, he just hangs on when the ride gets a little rough and enjoys the entertainment that can come along with being in my life.

When I returned home I started going through my voice mails and emails, and I started recognizing that there have been people more recently that are also there for me through it all. People who are still checking in on me, wondering what I am up to next and seeing how they can help. People who have jumped any time I have asked for a little help. I do not know how many of the people who are new to my life can live up to what Char and my husband have lived up to, but I think it is time I start to appreciate these people earlier rather than after a decade with them.  Thank you all.

Influence

You know, we go through our lives spouting off our ideas and opinions, taking chances, and overall just trying to push ourselves forward. We never really get to realize the impact of our actions and words, for better or for worse, on other people. I know, for me, when I get a compliment that I have inspired someone, I sometimes shake it off because I don't want to think about the impact of my actions on others. I already have enough to deal with the impact of my actions on myself.

However, the reality is what we do, how we live, what we say, has a ripple affect that extends much further than we can ever imagine. I want to take a moment and reflect on those who have had an affect  on me.

As far back as I can remember...my brother James who used to read books to me for a lot longer than he agreed to read books to me, who taught me how to make an air conditioner with a sheet and a window fan (we grew up in Miami without air conditioning, so this was a big deal) and who screwed up a lot, but always made it seem like it was just part of process, and everyone still loved him...sometimes I wonder if they loved him because of the screw ups. He also was always willing to do anything for anyone.

My brother Danny who inspired me to start writing, who taught me to love and respect history, who taught me to question everything, who really always saw me as having the ability to be more than perhaps the person I was being, and in various ways pushed and challenged me to be more, in spite of how much trouble I caused in return.

My husband who has the ability to see some of the most outrageous things in a very funny and balanced perspective. Who is simply one of the most patient and good hearted person you will ever meet. People tell me that all of the time when they first meet him. He has passed that on to my children. Every one of them is known for being simply wonderful, kind hearted people.

My boys - they simply inspire me constantly.

My 3rd grade teacher who was amazed at my ability to read with expression and told me my intelligence was a talent and in fact  got me to read in the talent show.

My 10th grade P.E. teacher who instead of putting me down for not dressing out, realized I was avoiding sports, and took the time to teach me how to throw a football. A skill I am still proud of today.

My computer science teacher, who taught me the importance of learning how to think systematically even if I did believe I would never work in computers.

My college writing professors, each and every one was great and I often refer to their lessons about how to look at life through the eyes of a writer.

My manager at Bennigan's, Tekla, who was my first mentor in regards to how to stand strong and face situations head on. She taught me  the idea that some people have challenging personalities, as opposed to the various other things I would say about people. She was incredibly patient and really knew how to manage those "challenging personalities."

My dad - for many many reasons - but the one memory that stands out is him teaching me my times tables in the 1st grade, long before I needed to know them, simply because he thought it was cool that I was able to learn them. He also loved to encourage me to debate with his friends.

My mom, the best thing I learned from her is if you want something done you have to do it yourself. Well...some of that I am now trying to un-learn, but overall it is a lesson that has served me.

My first boss when I started recruiting who taught me how to sell and be pushy. She used to tell me that my clients will not remember me for being nice, but they will remember me for getting things done and showing results, which sometimes means not worrying about being nice.

And another boss who inspired me when I saw him push forward with his ideas, to push pass limits, the way he expressed his enthusiasm and the way he took on the world, his compassion and even his composure. His presence was a huge influence in how I am pushing forward today.

All of these influences and many more I have not listed combine into the things that affect the actions, thoughts, motivations, and beliefs I have today. These people's lives touched mine and directed my path in such a way that I now touch the lives of others, for better or for worse.

When you really think about it...we do affect the world, each one of us individually, with a lot more impact than we can even begin to imagine.

So - I hear you finally believe in yourself...an open letter to a friend

So, I hear you finally looked in the mirror. Took a real good look. I bet I can guess what you saw.

You saw the ugliness that others pointed out to you as you were growing up. You saw the failures of past efforts when you tried but lost or lost because you could no longer try. You saw the pain from years of abuse by those who were supposed to love and protect you. You saw the scars from various addictions that you cling to in spite of the pain they cause you and those you love.

I am thinking you might have caught a glimpse of what I see when I look at you. The dreams of who you want to be. The strength that has carried you through the lowest times in your life. The love and goodness in your heart that you long to share with so many. The light in your eyes that can never be denied. I am praying that you saw the you that you are meant to be, if you can just accept  a little help a long the way.

I am hoping you saw behind you the many wonderful people who have always stood behind you. I am hoping you know they will never leave you and can and want to support you. They have always seen the person you are trying to be.

You are strong and you are brave and you are stubborn always wanting to get your way. You can walk this path to find the real you.

Perhaps you are wondering why I wrote this blog about you - and for that I laugh a little laugh. Because maybe this blog post was for someone else and not you - but if it touched your heart - maybe it should have been for you.

A Perfect Wedding

Yesterday's wedding was flawless. My friend, Janeen, was married in South Carolina, where she has family.

It was truly a southern wedding. As Matt said, it felt like we were in a cute little wedding movie.

Yes, I got all choked up at the wedding, which is not like me at all. Being there with Janeen and her family, including her father and brother who I know were there in spirit, brought back a flood of memories.

Besides being a new wife, Janeen also became a new mom yesterday (right before mother's day...good timing)

The highlight of the day was the entertainment. The reception was held at a little southern restaurant that Janeen's grandmother eats at. They have become friends with the owners and rented the entire restaurant for the day's event. One of the women serving the food broke out in a song for the couple. She was great! It was like when Aretha Franklin breaks out in song in  the movie the Blues Brothers.

But of course, what we all were waiting for, was when Janeen sang to her new husband. Janeen has always been my favorite vocalist and it was simply the sweetest moment to see her sing at her own wedding.

So many memories from our past, so many memories left to create.

My Best Friend's Wedding

Yesterday, throughout the day I kept thinking about the title "My Best Friend's Wedding" which I knew was the title of a movie. Last night I started flipping through the On Demand movies, and there it was - so of course I had to watch it.

It is a fun movie. The best thing about movies like that is that characters like the one Julia Roberts plays makes you feel like you're ok. In the movie, she does everything she can to split up the couple and potentially ruin her best friend's life. She does this because she is driven by her own feelings of wanting to be with the groom. Of course, at the end all is forgiven and all is well because of the bond of their friendship.

In just a couple of hours I will be attending my best friend's wedding. I have known Janeen since I was 4 years old.  She is more like a big sister to me. Here is a photo of us at my wedding.

I met Janeen when we moved in the house across the street from hers. We have lots of memories of our very young years. As the years past our lives took very different directions but we have always stayed connected.

Overall, I got to thinking how special friendships are. How there are certain people in our lives, who are not family, but might as well be. These are people that you can lose touch with for years and then pick right back up again. These are people who love you because of who you are and stay with you through the various changes when you are trying to become who you might be.

The last time I spent time with Janeen was right before starting this company. I was in Ft Lauderdale for a business trip for Robert Half Technology. I told her about the roller coaster ride I was on, I told her what I was thinking about doing - and instead of looking at all the things that were against my decision, she assured me all would be well. I next saw her at my father's funeral, and again, she assured me all would be well.

Today is her day and I get to watch her make a commitment that I know means so much to her. I am so excited to see her life change and grow and change. I just hope I can offer her as much on this day as she has offered me throughout the various key moments in my life.

The Heart of a Parent

I was quite young when my oldest son was born. Not only that I had no experience with babies - none! I grew up as the youngest in the family and never really got into the whole babysitting scene. In fact, while I was still in the hospital with my son, I would make every excuse of why someone else had to change his diapers, because I did not want the nurses to know I did not know how to change diapers (boy did I learn though!)

I read everything I could before and after my son was born. However, in every bit of literature there always seemed to be information about SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) - which  could only cause a young, inexperienced mom to become very paranoid. I slept with my son in a bassinet next to me. I had a night light shining in on him, and I had the monitor close to his face so that I could hear him breathing, and I did not sleep - I listened to him breathe all night, getting up every time he turned his head causing me to not hear his breath through the monitor.

Obviously I was very blessed. My son is now 13 years old and has always been healthy. My youngest son I was not nearly as paranoid with and he has always been a healthy energetic boy.

However the one thing I learned as a new mom is that once you have experienced having the "heart of a parent" you can sincerely empathize with many heartfelt stories of other parents.

A very dear and wonderful person in my life is taking today to remember his twin boys. Amani Channel has produced a very moving video that documented their excitement throughout the pregnancy which only lasted 20 weeks. Their twin boys were born premature and were too young to make it through.

As a way to turn their "painful experience into something positive" Amani Channel and his wife have set up a March of Dimes fund in the memory of their twin sons, Rico and Jordan.

As a mom, with the heart of a parent, my thoughts and prayers and support are with Amani and his wife today.